Oh, what a year this has been

My sweet baby boys are nearing their first birthday. In a couple days they will stuff their chubby little hands into some homemade banana cake with cream cheese frosting. We will sing and clap and they will make us all smile.

Our babies. Leo Thomas and Callum Robert.

twins (18 of 53)
Photos by Ashley Daigle

They are so much more than twins. They are two distinct individuals with unique personalities. Callum is vocal and active, with strong, burly legs. Leo, often sucking two fingers, has a quieter disposition and so content to play on his own. His squeal of delight is contagious. Holding them both at once, while they nuzzle my lap or my neck, makes my heart swell out of my chest. They are each their own person, but they give us double the love – and double the challenge.

By some fluke of nature or by some grand plan, we were given these twins. Was it a test of strength and will? Was it a gift of pure joy? However it came about, we had to find a way. We had to wrap our minds, our family of three, around how-do-we-do-this, how do we become a family of five? How do we care for two tiny, helpless human beings at the same time — while our oldest, then three, still needed us so?

I grew those babies, and that was hard enough. And we were so, so fortunate to see them enter this world at full-term. Pink and beautiful. They latched on and joined me on a journey of struggle, which eventually became somewhat pleasant, in breastfeeding. Hardest thing I’ve ever done, but happy to do this one small thing for my sons.

They slept, sometimes. I probably stressed about it less than I did with Silas. Partly because I was too tired to care. I let them cry a little, and they slept and actually napped better than their older brother ever did.

Still, it was oh-so-difficult the first few weeks and months of their lives. For the first few weeks, they would only sleep on my chest. I remember falling asleep while my mom talked to me. I felt a new kind of tired. Like, absolutely wrecked. And yet, three little humans still needed almost non-stop.

I can handle being tired, but what got me some days was when I felt time and control over my world and my home was spinning away on me, and it was so hard to enjoy my little boys. It’s hard to take in the moments when you aren’t feeling great. I found that when I started getting out, exercising and of course, when I got more sleep, it really helped. Trying not to sweat the small stuff. And thank goodness for everyone who helped us during those early days.

Seeing any baby grow and change is pure magic. But there is something special about twins. They see each other – smile, laugh, head butt, steal toys and food – like no other babies do. They shared a womb for nine months, a crib for a few more months, and a room for longer. They are happy and relaxed in each other’s presence.

There were many days a few months ago when I wondered how I could possibly get through this year. I’m sure Mark felt the same. But one hour, one day at a time, we did it. We really did it!

The sun always came up tomorrow, and there was always more coffee to drink, more snuggles to steal.

And I will keep snuggling these beautiful boys, all three of them, until they won’t let me anymore.

twins (30 of 53)

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April C

Writer, editor and mom in Saint John, NB.

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